I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
