Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
