Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
