Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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