my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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