So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
