I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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