Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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