He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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