this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
