How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
