It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Green mimosas i think yes
I just found a bag of teeth...
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
