can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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