the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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