So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize