i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
