I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
