i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
