This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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