what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
