oh god the rape fog is back!
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
