he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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