Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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