im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
