Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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