I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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