I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
