jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
