I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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