dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize