Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
