you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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