I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Btw I puked in your glovebox
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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