My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
