3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
