Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Also, beer. Big fan.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
