a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
