This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
