The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
