I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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