His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Randomize
