I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
