Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Randomize
