He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
My liver just had a heart attack.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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