I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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