just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Swine flu is the new snow day.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize