in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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