apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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