I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
