I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
