All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
