So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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