I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
