i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
