Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
